Let's talk about something near and dear to me... mental health in STEM. Now, I've had my fair share of "breakdowns" so to speak, so I think I would have some say in this topic. And when I say breakdown, I don't just mean crying because I don't wanna do my work. I mean my brain will shut down and I will feel numb, no work will get done in the process. Plus, I don't think it's talked about enough on social media and in general.
My mental health has always been important to me, I think overworking yourself is unhealthy in so many ways. This should be common sense, but I see it all too much in the STEM disciplines. I want to talk a bit about this culture and why it should be normalized to put mental health above everything else. I will also be speaking about my own experiences with it.
Throughout high school, my mental health was pretty okay most of the time. I really didn't have AS much to worry about. My grades were amazing, I had a great group of friends (who I still talk with to this day), and I had a lot of clubs I was involved with. Everything was going great. I kept up with everything, and life was amazing.
Fast forward to undergrad and things definitely changed for me. Not just because I was going to a VERY large school in an unfamiliar state with no friends, but because things in general just changed for me. Now, change is not necessarily a bad thing, but for me, it seemed like everything was going downhill, and that undergrad would be the worst 4 years of my life. Assignments were piling up, I had to think about my future, and I had to make a group of friends. It was basically high school on steroids.
Freshman year ended on a very high note, but this past year, sophomore year, was quite different in terms of my mental health. Classes were becoming more stressful, I had leadership positions to worry about, a relationship to manage, and a friend group. This was also the year where anxiety REALLY hit me, I mean... like a freight train going at top speed.
The biggest thing that I regret doing was using other people's successes as my failures. And these were my friends and boyfriend that I'm talking about. Someone did better on an exam than me: failure. Someone won a scholarship or award and I didn't: failure. Someone got an internship: failure. I just kept seeing myself as a failure and digging an even bigger hole for myself. I would constantly cry, and even contemplated dropping out (which I would never do), but I had to take control of my anxiety, or else it would take control of me.
I came home for Christmas break and I was very relieved to get a break from school, since it was starting to get the best of me. I went for my regular doctor's visit, and told her how I was feeling, and after some testing, she concluded that my anxiety levels were very high and that I should be put on medication for it. I had to so some convincing to my parents, but in the end, I knew that it was the best option for me, and I even talked to friends that were also on medication to see how it made them feel. Fast forward to spring semester and I was taking a lot of classes that I did not want to take, but I knew I had to for my majors. I still had to get adjusted to the medication, but overall I was doing pretty well... until Corona hit.
Going online really ruined a lot of things for me since I wasn't getting the in-person help I needed in class, and all my friends had varying schedules, so it was difficult to schedule times with them to do work together. Going online was easy and difficult, depending on the class, but I will spare the details of how many times I cried over CS or physics.
My main point of writing and sharing my experience is to say that I don't necessarily agree with the culture of constantly working in order to become successful. While that is true in some regard, it just doesn't work in a STEM field. We undergo MAJOR stress with our course load and things can get out of control sometimes. College was the thing that made my anxiety shoot through the roof, and even my parents were getting concerned about me. We should all celebrate each other's successes, whether they're big or small, and not compare ourselves to each other. "Comparison is the thief of all joy," my advisor would say to me in her office.
Everyone's journey is different and I'm still on mine. You may still be on yours or you may be at the destination. If you are, congrats, you've earned it! If not, don't worry, it'll happen, just breathe and don't let anything get to you. I'm learning to reach out to more people when I need it, and to tell professors when things get to be too much. I'm also realizing that I have a lot of good in my life too, and if I continue to dwell on these small things, then I will never be able to move forward towards my goal. I'm proud of what I've been able to accomplish in these 2 years in undergrad and I can't wait for what the next 2 hold.
We need to prioritize mental health over numbers. I was on a dangerous path and I don't know how I would've ended up if I didn't have the support from my friends, family, and boyfriend. There are a ton of mental health resources out there, and if you're struggling, please reach out to me or anyone you feel comfortable with and talk. It can be a scary and tough world sometimes, but we're all in it together, trying to make a difference one day at a time.